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Thanksgiving survey: How was your experience at our house last year? - The Boston Globe

a) Yours was worse.

b) Yours was better.

c) Oh, wait, you have never hosted Thanksgiving.

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2) If you were hosting Thanksgiving, which you haven’t, despite the fact that you have a larger house (in a less-desirable town), and you asked your sister to bring dessert, what would you like her to bring?

a) A selection of fruit pies, as REQUESTED by the hostess.

b) Pecan pie, chocolate macadamia cookies, and banana walnut bread, even though you know full well — but pretend to forget — that your niece has a nut allergy.

c) A gluten-free vegan dish, not of a dessert nature, of interest to only one person (ahem), that needs to be heated for 45 minutes, at an oven temperature incompatible with all other dishes.

3) Regarding clean-up, and again, please put yourself in the place of the host, which of course you’ve never been, even though you don’t work full time (as I do), how would you like guests to contribute?

a) Help clear the table, scrape plates, etc.

b) Rummage through the host’s cabinets for the largest storage containers you can find and scrape tiny amounts of leftovers into the oversized vessels, then cram them into the fridge in a way that ensures they won’t be located until they’ve gone bad.

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c) Leave it all for the hostess because lord knows after cooking for days for a group of ingrates, there’s nothing nicer than cleaning up alone, even though your children are more than old enough to help, and your husband, well, you know my thoughts on him.

4) If Thanksgiving were at your house — which we know it won’t be, even though you don’t host Christmas either because you go to visit your in-laws — and the gathering was in danger of breaking up over President Trump, what would you do?

a) Let it rip; debate is healthy.

b) Turn on football.

c) Continue to spout debunked conspiracy theories, even if it means upsetting our 93-year-old mother, who still treasures her framed picture of JFK.

5) This next question is about visiting dogs. If, through some unimaginable turn of events Thanksgiving were to be at your house — like I was in a coma, and all the restaurants were closed, and our mother had the courage to say “no” to you, which of course she wouldn’t because she’s afraid if she upsets you that you’ll cut her off, which we both know you’re capable of — and you had a “no pets on the furniture” rule, should guests secretly lure their dogs onto your new white Crate & Barrel couch and then pretend not to notice Rover’s up there?

a) Of course not.

b) It depends on whether the guest thinks the host’s rule is reasonable.

c) If I consider my dog my child, the host is the one being rude.

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6) Let’s talk about timing. If the host (a person who receives or entertains others as guests, if you’re unfamiliar with the word) says dinner will be at 2, and has timed the turkey and sides and hot hors d’oeuvres for that hour, what time should a guest arrive?

a) Around 2.

b) By 4 p.m. is fine, as long as you blame it on traffic, even though the host also has Google Maps and can see the roads were, in fact, quite clear.

c) I’ll get there whenever I damn please; I don’t like to have “dinner” that early.

7) This last question regards the survey itself. What best describes your feelings upon completing it?

a) The questions help me understand that I have not been an ideal guest and show me how I can improve.

b) The survey proves what I’ve been posting on Facebook. The host is unreasonable.

c) Thank goodness I’ve never hosted!


Beth Teitell can be reached at beth.teitell@globe.com. Follow her on Twitter @bethteitell.

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